Bipolar, but still Christian : Just Another Challege

Few of my friends understand life as a away from home person. I went away to college and fell for a boy from another state. I knew that most likely meant moving away forever. Strangely to most I was fine with that. I knew it was right. That didn’t make it easy. I moved to a place where I had no friends or family. I cried for months homesick and lonely. I finally started to connect and make friends and we had my in laws for family support. Then we moved again to a place with even less family. Although we did eventually connect and make friends, no family is sometimes hard. We don’t have the support here that most of our friends take for granted. You make the best of it and do what you can. It is hard to explain why I wanted this life. My parents have been divorced for more than 25 years now. When I lived home, I was expected to mediate their ridiculous disputes. My brothers who never talk to each other also some how our me in the middle of things. I felt it was my job to constantly fix ...

“And deliver them who through fear of death were all their lifetime subject to bondage.” Sometimes it feels like I am on one of those electric walk ways they have at airports. I am just being dragged along as life whooshes by. It is all happening so fast and I am very aware that the unknown future is coming. I doubt everything, but in my heart always go back to Jesus. He is my only absolute. That God IS and did send Jesus for me. Yes, I can believe that. That he forgave everything I ever did and will not condemn me, I have to say, Yes,,, God said it so it IS so. Still scary to face a Holy, Perfect God. But if he promises deliverce from that then I guess I have to figure that one out. It is not easy to say that here, but I need to do that I can admit the struggle. Fear has always been my biggest. I hear little tap taps at night and think someone is coming in. I am jumpy I think because I have sensory issues. Anyway, too tired to finish. I am praying God gives me the answers I need to kn...

I decided this year to try taking an increased dose of medication for the dreary months of the year. Glad to report that I definitely noticed a difference. For the first time in several years these few months have not been especially discouraging for me. My son however has not been as fortunate. He is bored and stir crazy. I understand exactly how he feels. Winter is hard. I can’t begin to describe how relieved I am to NOT be depressed. Unfortunately, my son is so there is no escaping the winter blues completely. Hopefully, I can figure it a way to get him out more. I saw that dispondansy in my friend’s child today too. I only hope I can encourage and help her recognize the seriousness of the situation. A child in crisis is nothing to ignore. Certainly a little extra love is never wasted anyway. Just being there helps.

I found myself using this phrase rather trying to explain the conveluted mess that seems to be my family relationships with my parents and siblings. My mother is visiting and I am reminded that nothing is EVER her fault. No she is forever the victim of everything and everyone around her. My father on the other hand would say sarcastically, “Go ahead, Blame me. Everything is my fault.” Yet he somehow escapes responsibility for his bad choices. We are not at war. I am not carrrying around a bitterness bucket. Don’t get me wrong. I get we can’t change the past and we all make mistakes. I struggle with the not ever admitting doing anything wrong part. Put your seven year old girl in a room. Expect her to entertain herself and be quiet all the time. When that fails, she is just an uncontrollable child. Really? Are my parents that obtuse? I wasn’t badly behaved anywhere else, but at home. As a parent, I make mistakes ALL the time. Those are my fault. My responsibility! I think I am so defens...

This post is to encourage that person who feels like giving up because you think you’ll all alone. “No one understands what I’m going through.” Not true some people and Jesus always does. Reading through the book of Hebrews has helped me grasp that Jesus doesn’t just save us from sin. He actually cares about every aspect of our life and suffered human pain both physical and emotional. As for the people, let me be the first to admit, I have been there. I have thought I was a unwanted by those around me. I let the pain inflicted by one person allow me to believe that I was not valuable to anyone. I hid out from life in a deep, deep depression and thought how much easier it would be to just give up. Why didn’t I? There was a still small voice inside me. The voice of the Holy Spirit, Himself told me, “No.” I became a child of God at the age of five and although I often doubt I deserve it, and sometimes feared I had lost my salvation, I never did lose it and none of us deserve it. I questio...

It's true I've illuteed to having some difficult memories yet given few examples. That is for a couple of reasons. One is that I find drugging up the details brings bad unnecessary pain. Two is that I don't actually remember that much. I repressed some stuff along the way and can't quite filter what is real and what is imaginary. I just know how it feels. I know I spent a lot of time alone as a child and had to live on my imagination. So the little kid in me might have exaggerated the circumstances of my childhood. What I do clearly remember that was unpleasant was bullying, teasing, neglect, and harassment. Again not choosing to go into details right now. Those were my experiences. I found adulthood to be far better than childhood. My family never intentionally set out to hurt me. My parents were just not people who knew how to handle kids or marriage for that matter. My brothers and I suffered the consequences so to speak. We had stuff. Lots of stuff. Which is why I w...

I have been reading through Hebrews all summer off and on and came to this today, "Let us hold fast the profession of our faith without wavering;(for he is faithful that promised;) And let us consider one another to provoke unto love and good works:"  The word provoke suggest to irritate. I think that with the context means we persist to push each other to love and good works. We don't though do we. The culture we live in is very isolating. People mind their own business very well. It is still hard for me to show up places unannounced because I grew up in the house no one ever visited. I often felt we put on our church faces so we could all feel good and went back to our lives. I am not the kind of person to be in genuine however, I have learned that people don't want to hear that today is a rough day. They want you to smile and be "joyful," I say that with quotes because I don't think that is what joyful means.  You can be sad and still joyful in the lo...