Bipolar, but still Christian : Just Another Challege

Have you ever heard anyone ask you to take off your kid gloves? Someone else told me to develop Rhino skin. Seems to me we come up with a lot of interesting ways to tell people to toughen up. I have come to the conclusion that if I DID toughen up as much as I likely need to in order to "take" what others dish out all the time, I would no longer be totally me. My ability to feel for others comes from being able to hurt for them. Being more sensitive makes me more vulnerable to being hurt, but always able to have deeper compassion. In short, we can't have it both ways. My wonderful tough friends are great leaders. I am a boo-boo kisser(:. Not that I can fix all the boo-boos of the world. I am just learning to figure out where my strengths and weaknesses are and try to be less self critical. It is so easy to list out all of my short comings and become consumed by the lack of improvement. I wish I could encourage myself as easily as I can someone else. Words can be so sw...

I went to see the movie, Mom's Night Out with some other home school Moms tonight. While I do not avicate getting wisdom from a movie, it was very encouraging. However, what was most encouraging was just being with some friends who are not afraid to say it isn't always easy to be a Mom. We WANT to be home with our kids, but we are not always happy about it. It was neat to have some of my "bad place" thoughts spoken out loud from someone who seems completely normal. I get it in my head that somehow regular people don't have thoughts like, " I am not enough." Or " I don't really matter." To see someone pretty normal express those thoughts(referring to the main character in the movie), makes me think that maybe I was being way too hard on myself. Not only do I have the thoughts, (in this case,the thought was, I am not needed, I could disappear and no one would no I was missing.) but I also have decided that that constitutes a level of crazy t...

I have a wee case of the doledrums which is weird cause it is finally spring and the sun is shining most everyday. My alergies are acting up and I have been tired and stressed. I feel a strong desire to rebell agaist my responsibilites and run away from home for a bit. Now my home is quiet and dull and hubby is not here. Off playing games again. My Uncle died this week. We weren't close. I feel bad that I am not sad. He was my father's younger brother. My father is really sad about it. He has been taking care of him a lot the last couple of years. Taking him to special doctors and visiting with him. I can't imagine losing one of my brothers, EVEN the one I don't get along with so well. It's not that we don't get along, it's that we don't talk much because he prefers it that way. Enough about big bro. Anyway, my Uncle was a drunk in his early years and unfortunitely, I have memories of him yelling at his family when he was under the influence. That was ye...

It has been a good Friday, for Good Friday. I saw my therapist yesterday and she recommended I take a break from all the "work" for a bit so that I am able to calm my mind down better. We played hookey from housework and school and went to the movies this afternoon. Then I had to go shopping, but it turned out to be a good thing because the stores near the movie place are very close together. I got home by five very spent. I have all my ingredients, but I have yet to clean the kitchen or bake anything. I want to make pumpkin pie, pumpkin muffins, and chocolate chip pie. I might do a second kind of muffins if I have enough ingredients. I don't want my hubby to have to cook Sunday...way too busy. Muffins can be done ahead and we can just have scrambled eggs. I need to sit down and come up with a plan for tomorrow so that everything gets done, but I still have feeling in my toes. That's a joke of course, but my feet are sore today. We are having new friends over for Sund...

I think the "move around you'll feel better." is an old wive's tale. When you are not feeling well(physically), running around doesn't magically make you feel better. I think that was what they told themselves because they couldn't stop working/moving even though they wanted to. Thus they figure our generation should do the same. Just keep going and do what you have to do. I think it might be more reasonable to adapt to the situation. Do as much as you can while staying off your feet as much as possible. That way less blood loss and less pain. Yes, I am talking about the whoas of being a woman. Just part of life for us. If I have to go and do, I do. If I don't have to, I stay off my feet on days like this. I get light headed and weak, so I really am better off not to over-do-it. I know how REAL life is. I had to teach a class with larangitis and a fever. You can't stop because it's your job. I have no intention of teaching my children any different...

We all have our ups and downs, but when you are bipolar they tend to be more up than normal and more down then healthy. I've been more manic lately then depressed. I can't sleep as well as I should. Sometimes that makes me moody, but more frequently it just makes it difficult to concentrate. I am stressed and it's effecting my ability to accomplish things well. I have a very strong desire to hide out for a while. The more I push myself to keep going, the harder is seems to be to do things. My husband has told me several times in the last few days that I was talking too fast. The scatter in my head is out of the bag. I have a lot I need to do before I can slow down however, I am trying to cut up whatever I can. If I confide my concern, most people will think I am overacting or complaining and fail to understand my fear. I scard myself the other day when I started babbling. I just couldn't get my words to come out. I need to go to bed and try to sleep now. I hope this wil...

I sometimes feel like I am drifting in and out of places without a place to land. I find it hard to NOT say exactly what I am thinking and feeling. This isn't easy for regular people to deal with(:. I find myself holding back pieces of my true nature. I am uncertain when it is safe to relax and land. It is frustrating. As comfortable as I am in my own family, I am concerned that if I don't venture out of my comfort zone I could end up lonely. I need friends outside of them. I do have friends, however, not enough. My problem is just knowing people. I know lots of people just on the surface. We had that same issue growing up. It used to really bug me. People at church who would smile and ask, "How are you?." You know what you are supposed to say. "Fine." I'd be thinking, "What do you care, you don't know us." You don't know that my father comes home late at night and tells my Mom she's crazy. I didn't know what they were fightin...