Bipolar, but still Christian : Just Another Challege

Has anything ever happened to you that you found particularly life changing. Good or bad sometimes other people thinking it is not really that big of a deal can be really frustrating. I realized that no one could quantify my pain by their own gage. My own trauma was very real to me. To be young and all of a sudden have your innocence stomped on; to end childhood too soon. Too vague? That’s on purpose because my experience really might be no big deal to you. One of my classmates lost his mother to cancer when he was only fourteen or fifteen I think. That WAS a big deal. My father left us when I was fourteen and that was a big deal. Yet my first big deal moment came sooner. I was held down against my will. I wasn’t physically attached just terrified. He let me go then when on to torment me for months in various ways including exposing himself and trying to come after me several more times. But that wasn’t a big deal. Because I wasn’t physically hurt. I guess I went and got more specific....

I have had some weird happenings with people I don’t know and some I don’t know very well. It always is refreshing that strangers often treat me better than everyone else. My OB was having a bad day. I asked her why she wasn’t joking as usual. She said she had some tough news and a busy day. She said I brightened her day and thanked me for being so positive. I think I must have a doppelgänger out there. Seriously. It was really nice to make someone smile. As for the other it was just a bunch of bickering siblings. I don’t think any of them where being honest, but sometimes our own truth makes us blind to the “real” truth. Maybe that’s my problem too. It’s so much easier when people don’t know me. They actually listen and I don’t feel so in the way. I just know that God wants me to share His love. Have to keep doing that and stop listening to the ugly thoughts in my head.

My hosting skills are limited that is an unrefruited fact. But my door is always open to a person in need and I would welcome anyone anytime. I am self conscious about my caotic housekeeping skills, but I do the best I can. I can’t beat myself up about my weaknesses. It is part of the bipolar that would not translate to someone who doesn’t understand. I just get overwhelmed and shut down. So I do a little bit and try to do a little bit more. Totally not what this post is supposed to be about. I had a gathering planned and no one came. I know it is the time of the year when we women are slow to commit our without kids time. Here’s the thing. I was cheered up by a sweet little girl. She came into our house and loved me in five minutes. Ladies I don’t need you. I have my couple of friends and am truly loved by children and elderly. God is good. I don’t need to be anything else. “I am enough.” As Clonda Pierce said. Isn’t that wonderful. I know people who don’t have patience for little peo...

My head hurts and my mind is racing. Dealing with stuff I cannot put out there, but isn’t that the case often times. I say what I can on here, but in order to protect my family’s privacy keep it guarded. Dealing with the elderly every week now, it breaks my heart to see how much abuse and neglect goes on. People raise their kids and as they finally are in their prime, start to find themselves having trouble with day to day needs they always did themselves. Maybe they cannot afford a fancy retirement apartment, but cannot climb their stairs anymore either. How will they afford a stair lift? They have a walker, but the house isn’t handicap assessible. They can’t raise their arms to wash their hair in the shower. Thinking about my parents while I’m taking care of other people’s. Will they tell my brothers and I when they need help? Most don’t want to be a bother. A person with memory trouble is aware while being unaware. They know they can’t remember. It makes them vulnerable. They didn’t...

I think the upset is blown over for now. Although I know we cannot allow our feelings to turn us inside out, when you feel things more intensely; it is harder to ignore them. Again not an excuse just a fact. My husband tends to boil over easier than me. That doesn’t make him horrible or make that right. It makes him human just as my over active feelings do me. I have been praying about the other stuff and I guess the ripple of sweetness was teaching kids to read the Bible. How excited they were to see that they could read it themselves. Being surrounded by apathy so often, it was refreshing. I can’t talk to my friends about spiritual stuff. Tried it always ends with them feeling aquard and embarrassed. But wouldn’t we all be better off if we really were encouraging each other to pray and read our Bibles? I get to feeling like we are trapped in this pointless reality. Because if I don’t fill myself up with truth, my mind finds everything else.

Few of my friends understand life as a away from home person. I went away to college and fell for a boy from another state. I knew that most likely meant moving away forever. Strangely to most I was fine with that. I knew it was right. That didn’t make it easy. I moved to a place where I had no friends or family. I cried for months homesick and lonely. I finally started to connect and make friends and we had my in laws for family support. Then we moved again to a place with even less family. Although we did eventually connect and make friends, no family is sometimes hard. We don’t have the support here that most of our friends take for granted. You make the best of it and do what you can. It is hard to explain why I wanted this life. My parents have been divorced for more than 25 years now. When I lived home, I was expected to mediate their ridiculous disputes. My brothers who never talk to each other also some how our me in the middle of things. I felt it was my job to constantly fix ...

“And deliver them who through fear of death were all their lifetime subject to bondage.” Sometimes it feels like I am on one of those electric walk ways they have at airports. I am just being dragged along as life whooshes by. It is all happening so fast and I am very aware that the unknown future is coming. I doubt everything, but in my heart always go back to Jesus. He is my only absolute. That God IS and did send Jesus for me. Yes, I can believe that. That he forgave everything I ever did and will not condemn me, I have to say, Yes,,, God said it so it IS so. Still scary to face a Holy, Perfect God. But if he promises deliverce from that then I guess I have to figure that one out. It is not easy to say that here, but I need to do that I can admit the struggle. Fear has always been my biggest. I hear little tap taps at night and think someone is coming in. I am jumpy I think because I have sensory issues. Anyway, too tired to finish. I am praying God gives me the answers I need to kn...