Bipolar, but still Christian : Just Another Challege

If all I have to give isn’t enough then what does God want now? I am letting go of my child knowing how very disjointed and misguided his thinking has become. Everything we have tried to spend our life showing him is meaningless in his eyes. I remember being bitter and frustrated at his age so I am trying to be patient. I understand these doubts have to surface, but the stream of garbage information he has thrown at him in seconds over the internet. That is very hard to compete with. Praying he comes back as I have over and over. I waver. I doubt. I do because the weight of my own sin was hard for me to let go of. I still struggle with guilt. Not the normal healthy kind. The someone will shout at you if you mess up kind. My broken emotions have made repairing that difficult. I accept that we are all in progress and we can only hope to be used in our weaknesses. Tried to explain that I believe God wants to use us broken. That the struggle is part of the process. That pain isn’t all bad....

Trying to help my child to understand that pain isn’t always bad. Beautiful things can come from pain. That might be a lesson I cannot teach him. Tonight I sit here recovering from my latest manic episode. I had to force myself to calm down. I sometimes hate that this IS my life. I can’t fix what is broken. I have to hope that God can keep on using my broken pieces for some purpose. I don’t have to understand. The hardest part lately has just been the daily struggle to feel a little bit of joy. I felt like I was trying to run in the swimming pool. Accomplishing nothing I kept waisting energy. The moment I tried to improve what was pulling me down, the task itself threw me into a manic overload. Now I sit in the forced calm knowing I probably won’t finish anything. This is hard. I shut people out because they cannot handle the reality that is my life. Because I have to protect myself from being hurt all over again. That means little or No support. That makes the isolation larger. I am t...

I looked up mother in the Bible and not surprisingly there aren’t that many references. Although there are instructions for a wife there aren’t really spelled out ones for a mother. Motherhood is hard and requires sacrificing things so your children will be greater. Greater than you perhaps. More loved, more cherished, more invested in. Yet that gives no guarantees how the children turn out. I just want them to be okay. Not wounded, not sick, not deeply buried in hurts. Yet we find we can’t protect them from the very things we wish to spare them from. I love my children, but I know I have made so many mistakes. I just keep clinging to the knowledge that it was God that made me their mother. He saw them before they were conceived. He knew. That must mean there’s still purpose to be had. Everything CAN be okay eventually. My mother and I have come to terms so to speak. That she did what she could and the rest just IS. I have to believe that God also saw me before I was conceived and IF ...

My oldest has always been the kid that had to have an answer for everything including a complete explanation. I have always tried my best with that, there were times when I had to say just do it. Sometimes there isn’t time for an explanation right then. Not surprising now that he is older he is beginning to question God the same. Yet he doesn’t have the patience to listen to the answers or accept the ones he doesn’t like. So this Mamma is very concerned and my heart hurts. I don’t understand why most of the time when it comes to God, but I guess I am okay with that. I don’t consider myself to be extremely intellectual, and as a result it doesn’t bother me that I can’t understand everything there is to know. I feel like in some ways God is the only Thing that makes sense. I have been trying to get through this kids head that faith isn’t intellectual. I don’t trust God because some scientific formula told me it was a good idea. I don’t understand so many things people do. But God! But Go...

I am full fledge into the Januaries as I am determined to call it. Not depressed exactly, but tired, weighted down, and a bit discouraged. That is why I have to find the tiniest moments of shiny jewels.  That hug from a sweet child, a bright smile from a friend, a good old belly laugh over something ridiculous, or a little encouragement for someone else. Those are my jewels this week. My faith has been shaken up a lot lately. God is still there. He isn’t going anywhere, but I definitely have struggled a lot. You see I was very sure for most of my life that I was completely worthless. Yes, I do understand we all are without God’s redemption. But post redemption I was still worthless. It was as if God’s forgiveness was conditional. I had finally taken real steps to start believing that God made me His wonderful creation for His glory and then I started to feel picked apart all over again. It was so discouraging that I didn’t want to go to church. Didn’t want to feel useless all over ...

I am the last person on earth who should ever say this, but I think Moms today are too sensitive. They are too sensitive to hear elders wisdom.  I see a sea of out of control children on a regular basis, but we are allowed to say anything. If you are a young mother reading this, my words are as follows. Mothering is hard. You need all the help you can get. Don’t be too proud to ask for it. There were a couple Moms and Dads I would always go to for advice. They helped me raise my children. I am so grateful for them. I wouldn’t have it any other way. Frankly, technology isn’t evil it is just tools we have. Wickedness finds a way in sneaking in to our lives in al sorts of ways. Better to forge ahead with your eyes open then try to walk around with a blindfold on. I don’t think parenting now is harder necessary just different areas of challenges to face. We don’t need a war against millianials either. I would like to return to the times when you say around and listened to Grandpa’s sto...

Has anything ever happened to you that you found particularly life changing. Good or bad sometimes other people thinking it is not really that big of a deal can be really frustrating. I realized that no one could quantify my pain by their own gage. My own trauma was very real to me. To be young and all of a sudden have your innocence stomped on; to end childhood too soon. Too vague? That’s on purpose because my experience really might be no big deal to you. One of my classmates lost his mother to cancer when he was only fourteen or fifteen I think. That WAS a big deal. My father left us when I was fourteen and that was a big deal. Yet my first big deal moment came sooner. I was held down against my will. I wasn’t physically attached just terrified. He let me go then when on to torment me for months in various ways including exposing himself and trying to come after me several more times. But that wasn’t a big deal. Because I wasn’t physically hurt. I guess I went and got more specific....