Bipolar, but still Christian : Just Another Challege

 When I look in the mirror, I have to see beyond my reflection to see what God has made me. The old ideals that block the truth need to be bypassed. I am not ugly or fat or anything less than beautiful. Yes, beautiful daughter of the King of Kings. He knows my name. God made me. He crafted each piece exactly as He wanted me to be. So the best reflection comes through the Holy Spirit.

 I’ve been trying to go Around the block at least once a day if I don’t go out of the house. Rain or shine, which today was very hot and yesterday it was a little wet. I did  Feel motivated to do anything. And that little bit of sunshine really gave me a boost although each day is different. I’m still struggling to find my new normal. My medicine makes me sleepy and I have to take it early in the day because it also irritates my muscles. My point is I’m trying to give myself some little goals so I can start to see the needle move back in the right direction. I have gained at least 10 if not 20 pounds in the last few months and that’s very discouraging after losing so much weight. I’m afraid to weigh myself because I don’t wanna find out how bad it is. I’m gonna try to do some positive goals and then we’ll see how bad things look exercise every day. Certainly going to be part of the goal. In addition eating better. Vegetables every day, protein, every day and no more sugar. Now...

  I woke up this morning around 8:30 and decided to go back to sleep. There is a Scripture that has been on my mind lately. Luke chapter ten verses 41-42. Jesus says to Martha,”…Martha, Martha, thou art careful and troubled about many things : But one thing is needful: And Mary hath chosen that good part which shall not be taken away from her. Don’t get too excited; I am not encouraging people to skip church. I am giving myself permission to rest my body when that is needed more. I can pray and worship right here. Sometimes we push ourselves to the edge of unhealthy just because we’re concerned people won’t understand. I can’t worry about those people right now. I choose the more needful thing. To worship in private this morning. And show up rested later.

 I am recovering from another manic episode. It seems that my hormonal imbalances have only gotten worse. I am just starting to settle in to almost normal after about a month of out of control. I did everything right and it still happened. There really is no promise in life that we can have it easy. Jesus said, ‘you will have tribulation.’ But he also said, “let not your heart be troubled. You believe God. Believe also in me.” Jesus has the remedy even in the middle of terrible days. Don’t give up. Hope thou in God according to David’s words from Psalm 42. If you find yourself in a trial all over again, I hope you can remember these words. “Hope thou in God.”

 Sometimes my life feels like an afterthought. I spend so much time behaving the way I think I am expected to. Listening to other people’s expectations or my imaginations of what they are that I feel disconnected. I am disappointed I wasn’t able to do better. I am tired. I am tired so much of the time these days. Apparently, being subdued is preferable to being too excited. Honestly I used to fall somewhere in the middle before my last episode. All that to say, I just need to vent. Does it ever get easier? I love the Lord honestly. I love serving Him. It’s everything else. I will try to find something to do. I like listening to the birds. They are so happy. I need to work on my book and that is a little stressful actually. I just need to finish something. 

Do you ever find it hard to relax? I am taking a forced rest today after two nights of muscle spasms. My back is not too thrilled with me. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. Sometimes I find myself carrying too much and I have to put it all down. Because I am an empath, it is easy to pick up too much of other people’s emotions. I am learning. Jesus says, “Come unto me, all ye …that are heavy laden and I will give you rest.”Matthew 11:28. I am laying it at His feet. 

 Do you ever wonder why tears fall at the strangest times?  Just sitting watching tv and the tears start. Driving in the car and the tears start. I take care of people watching them get weaker, sicker, and die. I push down all the emotions. Can’t get emotional at church. Can’t get emotional in front of my friends. So that little trickle of pain just squeezes out when I’m not wanting it to. And then I remember other people I’ve lost along  the way the closest and dearest I never forget so I might have to take some time to morn another loss. I might have to take a few moments to acknowledge that it hurts. I pour my whole heart into these people. When they’re gone, it hurts. Then I start all over again with someone new and press the repeat button. This job is not for the faint of heart and it’s OK to be sad. I’m happy for this person to have no more pain and no more suffering. I am sad for their family. Loosing someone far too soon.

 I’m haven’t used my “happy light” in a long time, but it seemed like a good idea today. The sky is grey and it’s been raining a few days. The light mimics sunlight to help treat seasonal effective disorder. Fancy title for I need more sun. Our world is a scary place right now. Besides the worldwide violence there is an increase in senseless crimes like school shootings and church shootings. Wildfires are destroying whole neighborhoods, and floods are still displacing people from their homes. We live in harsh times. I saw people who were in such a hurry to get through the grocery store that they couldn’t see anyone else. A world in desperate need of light. As I found myself crumbling today, I have to remind myself of the mission. “Let your light so shine before men…” Matthew 5:16. People think I am naive when I choose to dwell on positive things. I am aware of the ugly things going on around me. Some days you can feel it in the atmosphere. A heaviness flows that is contagious. I kn...

 I feel not so much a storm as a little shower of emotional rain. My mind is filled to the brim with thoughts and trying not to go batty trying to sort them through on my own. Then I start feeling isolated as I have no one to talk to. I have therapy next week so I will talk then for sure. It’s not even anything bad; it’s just so full I am thinking out loud. That never bothered me before, but now I am feeling unsteady. I have talked to myself my whole life. I am certainly not going to stop now, but it feels like a gateway to the enemy deceiving me all over again. He can disguise his voice to sound like anyone else. So if my thoughts are out loud, I’m Vulnerable. I miss my friends. I have a few here and there . I miss lighthearted fun. I am just waiting for God to pull the curtain on this season and to start to feel more like myself again. I’m not asking God for anything He doesn’t want me to have, I just need to get through this little shower. I know God still has things for me to d...

 Talked to my doctor today. He feels the medicine I am on is a rather high dose. He is going to reduce it which should help me stay awake during the day. I am ready to try these changes and see what happens. I have been sleeping nine to ten hours a night plus naps. Its way too much. I am hoping the adjustment will allow me to start a more normal routine and eventually go back to work, Pray that I don't have side effects to the medicine. I have been taking Cogentin which is a for side effects medicine, but the medicine has its own side effects. Hopefully, I don't have to take that anymore.     I have been feeling trapped and depressed after several days of low energy and seclusion. I even got super irritable which wasn't super fun either. My prayers of late are with me asking Why? and How? a lot. I know God has a plan, but I have to ask how do I do this? Waiting for the sunrise till I can see things more clearly. I haven't said much to anyone as I already feel judged....

 I had multiple people think I was depressed. I wasn’t. Mania is the opposite. Unfortunately, Newton’s law still applies. “What goes up must come down.” I definitely am feeling melancholy as my Pastor would say. Being still too tired to function normally, I am feeling down. Let’s face it; this is the hardest part after a mania. You can see the fear in people’s faces. They are concerned you’ll break. I am not going to break. I am weak though. I might need to cry. I might need to be reminded to look up. Now that reality has set in, my confidence is shaky. This isn’t my first time fighting this. I want to glorify God in the storm. Unfortunately, I am feeling like I need help. I need to be encouraged. I don’t need a pep talk to tell me to just stop it. I read that verse the other day, “A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in pictures of silver.” Proverbs 25:11. I am not giving up. God will find a way to lift me back up again. 

 I finally got some therapy. I am reading a book about burn out. I see that I have to work on changing some of my inner dialogue. Meaning if I want to get better then I need to address some of the unhealthy thinking I have had. I would stand guard over anyone else, but hesitate to defend myself or speak up. I know coming now I would be over compensating. Hopefully, I can find a balance along the way. I know what it means to be silenced and it’s not a good feeling. I can be kind and still speak up. Praying I find a way. I miss my work clients. Hopefully this brain of mine will calm down soon. I know God is able to heal me. I hope I can see myself in a better light. That He really is pleased with me. That God isn’t asking me to be anyone else. All for now…

 As of today I have been home a little over a week. I am still a little sluggish from the medication, but I am thinking more clearly. There are some things that I can’t decide if they are dream or reality. God will have to show me in time. In the meantime, I can wrap myself in His  truth. Blessings, I received the sweetest cards from a few unexpected places. I shopped for groceries all by myself. We got a new dishwasher. If I don’t celebrate the little things, I won’t notice the bigger ones. That my gut is getting better although it still has its moments. All that to say, I choose joy. I am finding that I have to choose the fruits of the spirt over my own selfish way of looking at life. Philippians 4:8 “Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.” ‭...

 As of today, I am getting better a little bit at a time. Like the drip, drip of a faucet I get just a little better every day. Concentration still causes physical pain. My brain is tired and that’s all there is to it.  The medicine I’m on for that makes me sleep. Hopefully eventually I’ll have enough sleep. I feel like I am watching other people’s lives while I sit on the couch eating popcorn. I know God is still on the throne as someone I used to go to would say.  Nothing takes Him by surprise. God wants me to sit in quiet with Him.  I took for granted the quiet until it was gone. We all need quiet time with the Father. Sit on a rock. Enjoy the peace. Philippians 4:6-7 tells us not to anxious, but to give our concerns over to God. Then in verse seven He gives us peace.

 “Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, that he may exalt you in due time:” ‭‭1 Peter‬ ‭5‬:‭6‬ ‭KJV‬‬ This verse has been coming to mind daily for several weeks now. I had no idea why. I thought to myself , “Why God? Am I not humble?” I wasn’t prepared for the answer. You see I just spent nine days in a psychiatric facility. It doesn’t get much lower. I tried to read the Bible, but my eyes couldn’t focus on the words. I read the same passage over and over. Sometimes we are just broken at the feet of Jesus.  I was still me. A little all over the place that first day after several days of little sleep. God never left me. I generally keep this part of my life  hush, hush but I was there to give God glory. Once again, I can give Him all the glory. Without God, I would have stopped fighting to be well. Without God, I would have suffered alone. I wasn’t afraid to go, but definitely dreaded it. A mentally ill person is the same person with extra emotions due ...

 This last few weeks I had my first manic episode in twenty five years. I won’t get into the details right now as I have to concentrate on getting better. I will say that God protected me each step of the way. Sometimes He speaks in a quiet voice; sometimes, He sends a messenger. How ever God chooses to speak, it’s best to just trust Him. Once again I lost all my freedom. But God! God gave me opportunities to encourage other people and even give the gospel. He can do such amazing things. Just trust in the Lord. 

 Have you ever settled for just fine? Have you ever found yourself in pain every day and been told this is just normal for your age? After just not feeling good for a long time, I realized I was gaining weight again rapidly. I found this webinar about low thyroid and weight loss. I thought what’s the harm? I knew after that first session that I had found a solution. People have been telling me for years how they gave up sugar and felt amazing. I thought I just couldn’t do it. Now years later even before I started to watch I knew I have to give up sugar. Giving up gluten didn’t really help me because so much of the gluten free foods are loaded with sugar. Anyway, if you see me eating a chocolate bar, send help 🤣. I really want to wake up in the morning ready to start a day. Like that feeling on Christmas morning when you just can’t wait to get out of bed. What would it be like to feel like that every day? My pain is less some days than others. Exercise helps. I am thankful my God l...

 Here’s the thing, I don’t look my age. I don’t always act my age either. I see no reason to fear a number. How long I live isn’t tied to my age. No, how long I live is decided by God himself. True if I live it up with too much unhealthy choices I probably won’t see years much past eighty. I have no promise of long life. I do feel older. You just wake up and suddenly things are harder. Like spraining your ankle because you can’t feel your foot. Some days are easier than others. I used to walk and walk and now I have to stop way sooner. I guess people are a little nicer now that they think I am struggling. Truly I am fine. It just becomes normal. Just keep going. The hard part for me is the same as ever. I feel like a fly on the wall that people would rather squish than listen to. I understand I am different. I will always be a little different. I stopped fighting that a while ago. But sometimes I wouldn’t mind being almost done instead of halfway through. This world is ugly and lif...

 I have been in a loop of almost enough sleep for a couple of weeks now. I had already started to get a little fuzzy and confused. I finally had time off to sleep in and still woke up too early. This time I went back to sleep the times determined to get enough sleep to restore my brain. I got it. I guess my breathing wasn’t great during the night probably why I woke up so much. Anyway, hopefully now I can think straight to do what I need to do. Sometimes, I got to turn off everything and just rest. That isn’t laziness. It’s necessary. I have been teaching on Elijah this last month. The last lesson was on I Kings 19. Elijah is told by the angel of the Lord to ‘rest for the journey is too great for you.’  It is one of my favorite passages because it shows God’s tender loving care for his servant in weakness. Humans all have weaknesses and limitations, but God has no limits. When we cannot take another step, He takes care of us. Whether it means us needing to sleep or us needing ...

  I started this blog to have a place to talk about mental illness and being a Christian. I still have bipolar disorder. I am very stable ninety-nine percent of the time. Dealing with racing thoughts and anxiety currently. I had reduced my lithium dose a little back in November and now I am getting back to my prior dosage. All to get to why I am writing. Why do Christians think mental health is a spiritual illness. It’s not. The brain isn’t functioning correctly and that imbalance is causing my symptoms. The Spiritual can definitely impact us especially when we are symptomatic. However, it’s like aggravating an already damaged area. Meaning the devil most certainly takes advantage of weakness to attack me when I am unwell. Even after sending him on his way, I still have to deal with the daily struggle of my actual illness until everything calms down again. Then deal with Christians who want to pray away my brain functions. God made me this way! Unless and until He chooses to change...